what i thought i knew

Since I was born, I was very sure of my identity, of what I wanted, of where I would have ended up. My visions all had the same foundation: great success.

Then, whilst growing up, my belief system was constantly menaced, and undermined, and hit. Mostly by my close family, and from my beloved ones … does that sound familiar?

And since that sweet age, I have attempted to escape. And escaping became my way of living, my way of being, my way of connecting - paradoxically.

I was unable to connect - interiorly or to others, yet I always knew that I could reach that capacity, and that I should have taught myself that … the hard way. The “MacGuffin” has been my acting career, which has publicly confronted my personality with presence, common sense, competitiveness and aggression, ego and abandonment syndrome, all judged by masters, to the public humiliation. To soothe all this suffering in witnessing how deep and long the path still was, I became addicted to Yoga Ratna.

I think that the turning point happened just 8 months ago, when I was pregnant with my first daughter. A deep emotional shock has woken me up from the lies I was still telling myself, believing that all that I had built was because of my interior research, the practices, the meditations, the sparkling glow I generated.

In that moment I realized I am but a mean, a pawn of fate, and that my will is bare intuition of which is the next wisest bet. Now, my whole self-confidence is based on this new gambling version of me, that is successful only when present, connected and protected.